As part of our series on using Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) in Business, this article looks at how building rapport can help you get 
better results from your communication and marketing.
Rapport exists when there is a comfortable feeling of confidence and trust between two or more people.
Where there is strong rapport, people understand each other more easily and there is potential for effective communication.
Build rapport with…
- Prospects and you have more chance of making the sale.
- Interviewers and you are more likely to land a job.
- Customer service agents for lower prices or better service.
- Audiences and your presentation will achieve the outcome you want.
Do you have the ability to establish rapport? Of course you do, you have already done so many times throughout your life. You simply haven’t recognized what you were doing.
Have you ever for example engaged in a conversation with someone where the two of you were naturally in sync? You may have felt as if you were almost speaking with your thoughts as much as with your words. That’s a good state of rapport.
You can easily build that same degree of rapport by design with one other person or a group of people.
Six Ways to Build Rapport
Here are six things you could do to build rapport with someone.
- Match their words: We are inclined to like people who think and behave as we do. So matching the way others talk is a good way to build rapport with them. Take note of the words someone uses which indicate their sensory preferences (such as visual, auditory or kinesthetic) and use similar words and phrases in your own communication. You should also try to use any key words or phrases that they use a lot, such as “Alright”, “Actually”, “You know what I mean”.
- Match their physiology: People who are in rapport tend to follow similar body language. Matching the physiology of someone you’re talking to can make them feel more comfortable. Copying their posture, facial expressions, hand gestures, movements or even their eye blinking, will cause their body to say unconsciously to their mind that this person is like me! You don’t have to match them exactly, for example if they are tapping their fingers, you can move your feet with a similar rhythm.
- Match their voice: You should match the tone, tempo, timbre and the volume of the person’s voice. If the person is slow and deliberate, he will feel comfortable if you are the same way.
- Match their breathing: If there is a big difference in the breathing pattern of two people in conversation, both of them would feel uncomfortable. If you want to build rapport with someone, you need to match their rhythm of breathing.
- Match how they deal with information: Some people are detail-oriented while others prefer their information brief. If you get this wrong you will find it very difficult to build rapport as the detail-oriented person will be yearning for more facts or the big-picture person will soon be yawning!
- Match common experiences: Suppose you are a long way from home and meet a stranger who turns out to be from your hometown. Before long, you will find yourself in a very lively conversation, looking for more experiences in common. Of course, it’s rarely so clear-cut but the secret is to find some commonality. If people have some matching experiences, interests, backgrounds, values or beliefs, it will be easier for them to achieve rapport.
Observation
To build effective rapport you must be patient and you must be an exceptional observer. You also need to be subtle in using these techniques. You need to be careful not to go too far but typically the other person will not notice it. You can develop your ability to observe other people to such an extent that you will begin to see and even predict their reactions to what you say.
Leading
Once you have established rapport, you can start changing the other person’s viewpoint to more closely match your own. This is called leading. Do this slowly, and you will elicit a positive response. You will notice them starting to adopt your mannerisms and enthusiasm. However, do it too quickly and you will blow your rapport. Once you have mastered the skills of rapport building, you will find that you can lead virtually anyone and any group, large or small, in the direction you wish.
Practice Makes Perfect
As with most things, rapport-building techniques become more effective the more you use them so it’s important that you practice whenever possible. You can practice building rapport with strangers at the grocery store or even in line at the coffee shop.
It can be a lot of fun and also very profitable!
In the next part of this series, we’ll look at how to build rapport in writing, when you don’t have the advantage of being face-to-face with your audience.
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Robert what you are saying is definitely true and building rapport is where success lies. I believe that NLP should be a part of all marketing to enrich the experience of the buyer and seller.
Although there does seem to be some controversy over certian hypnosis
courses on the internet, is there really cause for concern?
At the end of the day most people never carry out the “underhand” or “underground”
courses available as they lose interest and move on to something else.
Its long been an opinion of most that hypnosis does not work, but i disagree.
Just my opinion though
Excellent post on rapport. It is very important and can be extremely useful to build rapport in real life. Networking, persuading, making deals would all be easier and have better results when the two people are in rapport.
-Oleg
Oleg Ks last blog post..Email Marketing + NLP = Huge Results
NLP has been identified as one a top 10 most discredited interventions
http://knol.google.com/k/joe-greenfield/neurolinguistic-programming/2j6nlcky7q5vo/2#
Its pseudoscience. The worst thing about NLP is that it misleads people into saying stupid things, and holding perspectives that limit their thinking (relativism without reflection on reliable evidence)
Some of the things you mention above are ok and have some validity. But the very concept of neuro linguistic programming is misleading and pseudoscientific.
If you want to know how and how much the things you mention above work, then go straight to source. Avoid the Californian claptrap of NLP, and look at books on communication, hypnosis, and applied psychology. Spreading NLP is simply spreading a cult similar to scientology or dianetics. Its a terrible thing to be teaching people. Admitting to doing NLP to anyone who knows about communication and linguistics, is basically admitting to being a flake and a crank, and will simply make you appear manipulative.
Go to source. Bypass the pseudoscience.
Sam
Hi Sam
Thanks for taking the time to leave your comment.
As someone who has already done as you suggest – and studied widely in fields such as communication, psychology and hypnosis – I don’t share your analysis of NLP.
Like many thousands of people around the world, I’ve learned a great deal from NLP that I’ve found valuable. I haven’t found all of it useful but we’re all free to choose what applies to us.
The link that you include makes some interesting points but it would have a lot more credibility if it set out a more balanced argument.
NLP these days is a fairly mainstream field which people are free to use as they please so it hardly satisfies any dictionary definition of a “cult”.
As there is no agreed definition of what’s included in NLP and no single organization for people interested in it to belong to, it can be seen more as an open-source collection of knowledge and study.
I agree with you that it is best studied alongside other related fields. But I think ignoring much of the study that has been done under the NLP heading would be a mistake.
When I read a sweeping generalization like “It’s a terrible thing to be teaching”, I have to ask – who says so, what exactly do you mean by “it” and what specifically is terrible about it?
Thanks again for your comments.
Best regards
Robert
Every article has bias. By balance, you seem to mean more on your side of the argument. But thats because you have bought into NLP.
There is bias, and there is independent evidence.
NLP has now been surveyed by rigorous studies of over 100 university level lecturers, practitioners and researchers of neuroscience and psychology. The verdict is that NLP is one of a top ten of most discredited interventions.
It is implausible in concept, it has failed testing, and it is widely identified as new age pseudoscience. Now it has been discredited. Those statements derive from independent research results, not my own bias. My own bias is balanced by independent evidence.
Your bias is influenced by the fact that you are attempting to promote NLP.
Sam
Thanks again for taking the time to share your opinions.
One of the first things I learned when I studied NLP was to respect the ways others see the world
We are all a product of different experiences so we naturally interpret information differently.
As a result, we probably have to agree to differ in our opinions sometimes.
Nevertheless I think you misrepresent some of the studies you mention.
The claim that NLP has been listed as one of the top 10 interventions is misleading.
It is misleading because you imply that it applies generally.
It is taken from the book “Clinician’s Guide to Evidence Based Practices”, which is largely about treatment of addictions.
On page 198 of the book is the result of an opinion poll of experts in addiction which states their view that “neurolinguistic programming is inappropriate for treating drug and alcohol dependence”.
I am not an expert on treatment of addictions – and would never dream of applying my NLP knowledge in that situation – so I’m not inclined to disagree.
But applying that opinion widely is like saying aspirin doesn’t work for headaches because it won’t mend a broken leg.
This opinion has no relevance to rapport building for example.
In addition, the link you provided makes a number of references to studies by Michael Heap.
I have read his work and his comments are interesting. He looks at a number of aspects around representational systems for example and says the evidence for some of the claims in NLP is weak.
Many of his comments are valid but again they cannot be applied to all aspects of NLP or all applications.
It’s also interesting that your link refers to his 1998 publications and not to his 2008 publication.
You can see more of his comments here.
http://www.mheap.com/nlp.html
I notice that he comments: “I must emphasize that I myself have undertaken no experimental work on NLP.”
His conclusions are not exactly a promotional tool for NLP but neither do they provide the damning evidence suggested.
He refers to a number of studies and finds that some support one point of view while others take a different stance.
He comments: “Like much research in psychology, the results [of the different studies] are not entirely consistent.”
There are many areas in psychological research where there is a wide range of different views.
I’ve found it interesting to dip into this material and I’m sure others will draw their own conclusions.
I personally have no specific interest in promoting NLP. It is one of a number of areas I have studied and found useful.
I’m sure many others will continue to do the same.
Mmm, I’d say that research is reliable. It shows a lot of face value and internal consistency. I would have to agree, NLP is discredited, and not only for substance abuse. Its failed across the board.
The larger Norcross study was conducted on general interventions. It places NLP with dolphin therapy, and rates it as more discredited than EFT. Thats pretty darned discredited!
Worse still, the human resources literature also points out the pseudoscientific nature of NLP. If its concepts are wrong, and it shows no efficacy in the sum of studies, then it really is well and truly discredited.
Sorry, but thats the finding.
There are a lot of fads, fakes, and fables being promoted in self-help. The coaching industry and the management training development are prime avenues for such pseudosciences. Its a sad sign of postmodern relativism. The advances in science over the past decades seem to have passed a lot of people by, and they remain mired in regressive thinking.
Well its good to see some sensible research on the subject
Robert’s article was not on interventions but marketing. There’s a reason NLP is popular in marketing circles – people see great value in it.
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